522 - The Embarcadero
Today I finally understood why, since 2012, there have been over 230,000 reports of human feces reported on the streets of San Francisco.
And it’s because I was tempted to contribute to that number today.
It all started after a marginally large clam chowder session at the Mission Street Oyster Bar. Not that I’m pointing fingers or anything. It could have also been the piece of bread I had for breakfast that day.
My stomach was erupting like a volcano as I stood at the top of a windy staircase in The Embarcadero. The Embarcadero, in case you didn’t know, is this trendy shopping mall business hybrid center thing in the middle of the city.
My mission today was to get more spirals, because I felt so invigorated after the last shoot. After all, why not? I got 9,478 more adventures to go before I hit 10,000. Might as well blow a few on the twists.
And according to my research, this place was a hot spot for em’:
“Vegetation Rotation”
Taken with Sony a7rIII + Laowa 10-18mm f/4.5-5.6
[ISO 640 ~ 10mm ~ f/9 ~ 1/60s]
(Want a Print? Get one here.)
Gotta love a nice green plant to top off your composition. As I walked around more, I slowly began to realize green was going to be a key component of this shoot.
But back to the poop.
My stomach was at that point where I knew it was going to be a problem in approximately 10 minutes. But until then, I would be perfectly fine. So I began my search for a restroom, like any sane person would.
2 minutes go by. I pop into a Starbucks, buy a chocolate cake pop, and walk to the restroom. It’s locked. Bollocks.
4 minutes go by. No sounds coming from the restroom. I shuffle in place nervously and look at the people around me, all staring intensely into their laptops. One dude had a red baseball cap, red shoes, and a red laptop. Huh. That matches quite well.
6 minutes go by. Nothing from the bathroom. I try the door again to put psychological pressure on the person inside.
8 minutes go by. This is going nowhere. I need to leave this place, now.
10 minutes go by. I’m waddling down the street looking for a lifeline. I curse myself for spending so much time waiting in Starbucks. Probably some dude nodding out on the toilet from too much fentanyl.
Hm. That’s a little dark. How about we pretend some mother was changing her baby’s diaper then the baby suddenly had explosive diarrhea. Yeah. Happy thoughts.
12 minutes go by. I’m about to have explosive diarrhea. I’m also in a Subway arguing with a guy that barely speaks English about how I need to use the restroom. “RESTROOM CUSTOMER ONLY” was his only line. And speaking of line, there were 3 people in it. No time.
15 minutes go by. Back on the streets. The number of closed shops is absolutely baffling. For a brief second I considered just letting it rip in public. The pressure was too great. After all, it was either the street or my pants. Then I saw it. A glimmering hotel in the distance. A final hope.
I stormed the entrance like I just saw a murder and politely asked for the toilets. A kind gentleman in a suit escorted me to an elevator and told me to go to hell.
I’m just kidding he hit the down button and told me it’s the first door on the left. Thank God.
Everything came out safe and sound. But a close call, nonetheless. I walked out the front door as a new man.
Phew. I breathed in the misty, San Francisco air and continued back to the Embarcadero. As I waited at a crosswalk, I contemplated the vivid image of my shit spinning down the toilet. An idea struck me.
I need to add a third dimension to this spiral exploration. But how?
As I walked around, I saw more and more staircases in similar fashion to the first photo. I snagged a few more shots, but nothing worth putting on here.
Then, as if the universe had heard my fecal wish, a spiral plaza appeared in the final building of the complex. It was this walking path that twisted around this strange butterfly-esque sculpture in the middle.
My heart began to race as I climbed around the edges looking for the best angle. The architecture was astounding. This was clearly the magnum opus of The Embarcadero:
“Drill Procedure”
Taken with Sony a7rIII + Laowa 10-18mm f/4.5-5.6
[ISO 2000 ~ 10mm ~ f/9 ~ 1/320s]
(Want a Print? Get one here.)
Absolute money. But not without a little Photoshop magic. I’ll give you a sour patch kid if you can guess what I added.
Actually, should I disclose that? Does it ruin the magic?
Whatever. I’ll tag it with a spoiler alert. Don’t read the next paragraph if you prefer to live by the mantra “ignorance is bliss.”)
First off, I replicated the building on the right to appear on the left side as well. Although the sky wasn’t blown out, it was cloudy and misty today. Thus, it left that part of the image horribly unbalanced. Second, I blacked out the bottom of the two spirals (which was just concrete ground, tables, and people) then added a third spiral that disappeared into darkness. I wanted to make the shot more dystopian.
And for anyone that’s reading this groaning “oh, this isn’t real photography…” Go eat a can of tuna fish.
I walked to the bottom of the spiral and looked up. Another grandiose scene emerged in my head. I still had my 10mm lens on, so I snagged this bad boy:
“Portal to the Unknown”
Taken with Sony a7rIII + Laowa 10-18mm f/4.5-5.6
[ISO 640 ~ 10mm ~ f/9 ~ 1/320s]
It’s like some kind of evil compound run by a supervillain that loves plants. This place is awesome.
Spoiler alert in the next paragraph.
Again, I blacked out the ground and extended the pillars into the depths to make the space appear much more massive than it actually was. In real life it was just a drained water pool with a few hoses laying around. Almost like a massive, empty toilet.
Alright I’ll leave it at that. A solid session. Out of the three images, I preferred number two the best. Fuck. Now I’m gonna have poop puns running through my head all day. Or should I say pants?
I’m on a mission to explore as much as humanely possible.
Want to see my progress? Check out the Adventure Map.
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