539 - Long Dong Silver
Today I went to a rock formation named after a black British porn star from the 1970s.
And you’ll see why in just a minute. First, let me give you a brief history lesson on the man of the hour- Long Dong Silver. Born in 1960, Daniel Arthur Mead adopted the stage name in reference to the Great American Classic novel Treasure Island, as well as his unusually large pecker. There’s nothing quite like mixing literary classics and hardcore pornography.
Coming in at a whopping 18 inches, Long Dong starred in several classic British flicks, including Sex Freaks, Beauty and the Beast, and Electric Blue 1,2, and 3. I wish I could say I’ve seen these acclaimed works of art, but I can’t quite load them on my non-existent data in the middle of nowhere. We’ll blame that one on fate.
However, much like the desert that I’m writing this in right now, I do have some dirt on his career. Apparently his weenie was fake. Fake, I tell you. Its colossal “18 inch” size was purely the result of Christopher Tucker, a relatively famous makeup artist based out of the UK. In reality, his Johnson was only 9-10 inches. ᴵ ᵍᵘᵉˢˢ ᵗʰᵃᵗˢ ˢᵗᶦˡˡ ᵖʳᵉᵗᵗʸ ᵇᶦᵍ
Anyway, that’s all the information I got on the guy. You’re probably wondering where I am right now, so let me inform you.
Utah. Freaking Utah. Land of the Mormons. Leave it up to them to name their rocks after porn.
More specifically, I’m in Hanksville, just down the road from my last adventure at Moon Overlook. You don’t even have to drive 10 minutes to find some crazy new landscape to explore here.
However, I will say that as close as this place was to my last adventure, the actual rock Long Dong Silver was a royal pain in the ass to find. (I’m sure Vicki Scott, who co-starred in Sex Freaks, could relate.)
Most blogs talking about the rock simply drop a GPS coordinate, and tell you to have fun. I had several conflicting sources about how to park, where the trail was, and how long the hike went for.
Combine this with the fact that it was 90°F outside, and I was a wee bit concerned. I showed up at one of the “recommended parking lots,” (a pull-off on the side of a highway,) and got out to look around. Nothing but desert in the direction of the coordinates. A few tire tracks, but no sign of the infamous rock formation. Far off in the distance, a few lone buttes glimmered through the heat waves.
For context, I knew the rock I was looking for was a tall spire that stuck straight out of the ground, very much like an erect schlong. I knew I’d be able to recognize it once I was within a mile of it. But the problem was I had to get within a mile of it.
I filled my water pouch up to 3L, grabbed a couple candy bars, and started walking towards the coordinates. Within 10 minutes my black Prius became a blip in the bleak, gray terrain.
Sweat poured down my back like a babbling brook. It’d drip down onto the dirt below then be absorbed instantaneously, like nothing ever happened. A piece of me gone forever.
Plant life was non-existent. There wasn’t a bug in sight. And after a mile, I started to believe I’d left Earth altogether. Did I die or something?
Eventually I came upon the first butte, and decided to take a left. This led me to a passage of more buttes, almost like a valley of sorts. The coordinates led me forward.
As I climbed a hill for a better view, my feet sunk into the dirt like sand. I have no idea what I was walking on, but it felt like those weird moon boot things you wore at your friends house in middle school.
Then I saw it in the distance. Long Dong himself- in the center of all the buttes. It was kind of poetic, actually. A phallus shaped rock right up in a valley of buttes.
I needed a pic.
After scurrying around the valley for a solid hour and a half, I landed upon one vantage point that felt like the move for sunset. I found the perfect foreground- now I just had to wait for the sky to light up.
By the way, I feel like you should know that this valley was absolutely massive. Each potential “vantage point” I explored took a good 15-20 minutes to get to. It sucked dick. (No pun intended.)
Here’s the photo I got when the clouds finally decided to blush their cheeks:
“Desert Hurricane”
Taken with Sony a7rIV + Sony 12-24mm f/4 G
[ISO 800 ~ 12mm ~ f/8 ~ 1/250s] [Focus + Focal + Sky Blend]
(Want a Print? Get one here.)
Gorgeous. But this is a fairly complicated photo. Let me explain. First off, the foreground is one shot, and the spire is a second shot that I zoomed in on and blended together. This is called Focal Blend.
The reason I did this is because with a ultra-wide 12mm lens, the rock spire in the background was ridiculously small. The Focal Blend makes it more realistic to how I actually perceived the landscape, in real life.
In addition, I took a separate photo of the sky a bit higher and blended it into the scene, so that I could get more of the colored clouds in the background. At the original angle, most of the clouds weren’t in the backdrop.
All in a solid day’s work.
I saluted Long Dong, started my long walk back, and contemplated what my name would be if I was a porn star. I guess Intricate Explorer still works.
I’m on a mission to explore as much as humanely possible.
Want to see my progress? Check out the Adventure Map.
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